


Hazbin Hotel: An Alternative Pilot

by mariachiMushroom



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Violence, Fasting, Gen, Minor Character Death, Out of Character, Screenplay/Script Format, Swearing, original composition donut steal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:35:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28530807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariachiMushroom/pseuds/mariachiMushroom
Summary: Charlie has a dream: to redeem demons in Hell so they don't die of bloody purges. All she has for help is her childhood best friend, Thoth and a ramshackle old hotel. Redemption won't easy, especially with her own parents, the King and Queen of Hell, working against her. But her biggest challenge will be the sinner himself: Angel Dust.An alternate vision of the Hazbin Hotel pilot episode.
Kudos: 1





	Hazbin Hotel: An Alternative Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Due to corona-boredom, I finally got around to watching Hazbin Hotel, because I kept seeing character art on Tumblr. And I have to say, the idea is intriguing, but the execution is … lacking. As I see it, the pilot episode has several major flaws:  
> 1\. It is unclear what the “average” episode of the show is going to be like. The point of the pilot is to introduce the world and give the viewer some idea of what the show is supposed to be like. For example, the pilot of the Fairly Odd Parents tells you that the average episode is going to be about Timmy making wishes that backfire, Hannibal is about solving murder cases, the Good Place is about Elenor avoiding being discovered as “bad”, etc. There are far too many details introduced in the Hazbin Hotel pilot for me to tell what the main focus is. Is the main focus going to be “avoiding turf wars between rival demons”? Is the focus “Charlie attempts to get good TV ratings”? Is the focus “Alastor sings a song”? I’m left with no clear idea of who the primary antagonist is, and what the other episodes are going to focus on.  
> 2\. There is no evidence in the show that Charlie is right about demons being redeemable. Throughout the pilot, Charlie presents her idea that demons are redeemable, and the other demons laugh at her. The audience is obviously supposed to root for her as the main character. However, because we see no evidence that redeeming a demon is even possible, I’m forced to conclude that Charlie, is, indeed, crazy and her plans will fail.  
> 3\. Not enough jokes.  
> I see additional flaws with the color balance and character design, but I’m not terribly qualified to improve them.  
> What follows is my attempt to rewrite the pilot episode to fix the above flaws. I have tried to stay true to the basic premise of “Charlie is trying to redeem demons in Hell” but have changed just about everything else to try to make a cohesive show, including the characters. Think of the following document as an alternate pitch bible for Hazbin Hotel, and leave your canon expectations at the door. As always, don’t like, don’t read.

HELL - DURING PURGE

Pandemonium City, the capitol of Hell. Skyscrapers tilt drunkenly in the skyline, weighted down by massive insect hives and held together by steel spiderwebs. In the understory, shanty towns and open air bazaars cling to the buildings as their only bones of support. But their tattered walls are no protection from the Purge.

Teams of Exorcists-winged beings with horns and swords-fly through the streets, killing any demon they see. They tear through the flimsy cloth walls, rooting out demons like an anteater through an anthill. One demon shopkeeper clings stubbornly to a sack of gold and is eviscerated, blood painting the coins.

Loud panting and the sounds of feet on pavement. A demon resembling a cat in tattered, Dickensian orphan rags darts out from behind a car. An Exorcist turns its head towards it and flies after it, flinging aside cardboard and corrugated metal like so much tissue paper.

The Cat Orphan runs into an abandoned theater, chased by the Exorcist. The Exorcist bursts onto the stage and looks around in confusion in the empty theater. A spotlight shines on the Exorcist. The Cat Orphan looks on triumphantly from the rafters.

A black and white title card appears on the screen, as in a silent film.

TITLE CARD

Now presenting, the Tale of the Exorcist’s Demise

The Exorcist spots the Cat Orphan. It screeches and flies up towards the rafters. The Cat Orphan jumps off, somersaulting in the air and landing in the stage spotlight.

The shadow of the Cat Orphan grows into a monstrous, catlike form with tentacles and claws, looming over the Exorcist. The Exorcist dashes for the doors, but they slam shut.

TITLE CARD

Won’t you dance for the audience?

Iridescent blood stains the empty theater seats as an unholy screech rings out, then fades to static.

TITLE SCREEN - HAZBIN HOTEL

INSIDE THE HOTEL PURGE BUNKER

A fridge door opens, revealing Angel Dust-a spider demon wearing a corset. Angel Dust rummages through jars of strange ingredients-eyeballs, severed hands, etc. He finds a jar of pickles and is ecstatic. The pickle is surrounded by a soft pink filter as if it was a love interest. Angel Dust licks his lips seductively and raises his head to deep throat the pickle. Before it enters his mouth, a fireball burns it to a crisp. He swallows the dust, coughing.

CHARLIE

And what do you think you’re doing, Angel Dust?

Pan to Charlie-a goat demon dressed in a wide, 50-era’s circle skirt-with her fists lit up in red fire.

ANGEL DUST

Aww, come on Charlie. You made me give up drugs, casual sex, listening to music at unsafe volumes and now you want me to give up food?

Pan out to the Purge Bunker, a small metal-lined room where the trio are waiting out the Purge. The cramped room is littered with books, porn magazines, and hell-themed board games. Thoth-a moth demon in a sweater-is tidying up the scattered snacks into neat pyramids.

THOTH

To be precise, you are fasting. A temporary abstention from food and drink to purify your soul.

CHARLIE

In other words, you’re on a sin diet, mister!

ANGEL DUST

Can it, thots.

THOTH

It’s Thoth.

ANGEL DUST

Uhrg. The whole point of having a purge bunker is to get wasted while all those losers outside are getting slaughtered. Can’t I have just a smidge of coke to forget about all the murder? I’m, like, soooo traumatized right now.

Angel Dust flops backwards onto a beanbag chair and kicks one of Thoth’s pyramids, which collapse. Thoth glares at him.

CHARLIE

If we can redeem you, you’ll never have to worry about a purge again.

ANGEL DUST

But I’m hungry! If you’re the good guys, shouldn’t you give me “mercy?”

Angel Dust gives Charlie the puppy-dog eyes.

CHARLIE

I guess there’s no harm in checking. Thoth, get out the scales.

Thoth unpacks an ornate, golden scale.

THOTH

Isn’t it magnificent? You know, this is an exact replica of the one used to winnow the souls at Judgement-

ANGEL DUST

Yeah, yeah, I was there, ya know? Like every damned soul?

THOTH

Hmph. Then maybe you remember which side the feather goes on?

Thoth hands Angel Dust a large feather.

ANGEL DUST

Uhh.

CHARLIE

Ha, I know the answer to this one. It’s a balance scale, so it doesn’t matter.

THOTH

Marvelous. And now, your heart?

Angel Dust rolls his eyes and reaches into his chest fluff, pulling out a small, shriveled black heart.

CHARLIE

You did such a good job with the fasting, I bet you’re halfway to Heaven already-

As soon as the heart drops on the scale pan, the pan plummets down, shooting the feather into the air. The feather drifts down, landing on Angel Dust’s face. He blows it away.

THOTH

Oh dear, did I forget to oil the scale?

Thoth fusses at the scale.

ANGEL DUST

Well, that was pointless. Can I have a sandwich now?

CHARLIE

I don’t get it. Fasting was supposed to be a sure-fire way to lighten your heart.

THOTH

Perhaps the effect was nullified by-

Thoth gingerly holds up a stained porn magazine.

THOTH

\- carnal thoughts?

ANGEL DUST

Or maybe this whole crusade of yours is bullshit. I mean, who ever heard of redeeming a demon?

CHARLIE

It’s going to work, I just know it. You just need to fast longer.

ANGEL DUST

I ain’t starving forever-

A loud buzzer rings. The doors of the purge bunker open. A sign displaying number of days to next purge rolls from 0 to 365.

CHARLIE

The Purge! It’s finally over.

ANGEL DUST

Finally, freedom. Can’t wait to air out my pits and maybe grab a bite to eat-

CHARLIE

Oh no you don’t. You stay here while Thoth figures out what went wrong with the fasting. I’ll go out and recruit more guests. Nothing helps conversion more than a near-death experience!

THOTH

You’re going to leave me here with him?

Thoth gulps. Angel smiles wickedly.

CHARLIE

Play nice, you two. And Angel, remember, no eating!

THE STREETS OF HELL

Charlie picks her way through the chaotic aftermath of the purge. She carries a sign labeled “REPENT” and a bunch of fliers for the Hotel. The decimated shantytowns are now piles of wood and corrugated metal, with blood and gore painting them red. Scavengers are already on the streets, rooting through the trash.

A wolf-like demon roots around in the collapsed remains of a shop. Charlie approaches the demon.

CHARLIE

Have you heard the good news?

She offers a flyer. The wolf demon turns around to reveal a severed arm in its mouth. They growl.

CHARLIE

Easy there, boy. Not looking for trouble; I just want to talk-

Behind the wolf demon, a fox demon tries to sneak a bite of the corpse. The wolf demon snarls at the fox demon, and they fight.

CHARLIE

Okay, you’re clearly busy. I’ll just leave these here for when you’re ready.

Charlie places a flyer on the ground.

Another demon in a trench coat walks by.

CHARLIE

What’s the good word?

TRENCH COAT DEMON

Flashing!

The demon opens their trench coat to reveal a censored box with various appendages sticking out of it. Charlie looks away in disgust. The flasher laughs and walks away.

CHARLIE

(Sighs) I’m just not getting through to them. It’s time to bring out the big guns.

Background music starts playing. Charlie climbs to the top of a mountain of rubble and launches into song (see link: <https://soundcloud.com/user-145265835/i-have-a-plan>).

CHARLIE

Citizens of Hell!

Axe murderers and sinners,

Don’t you want to change

From a loser to a winner?

The scavengers perk up and look at her.

CHARLIE

There’s a better way to live

To move on from the past

“What is it?” you say?

Why I’m so glad you asked

A song montage of the hotel ensues.

CHARLIE

I’ve got this place, it’s really great

A slice of heaven served up pretty on a plate

And if you join me now, things will be swell

There’s tons of room in my brand new Hotel!

I’ll help you live a better life

No more rent or bloody turf wars there to fight

Here’s your keys and TV, all amenities free

Just one condition for my clientele

If you stop

Crushing others to gain power

Popping pills and snorting powders

Slandering and sexist in-jokes

Making puppies into fur coats

The singing increases in tempo as the described sins become more and more minor.

CHARLIE

Calling others after midnight

Getting drunk and starting bar fights

Biting pets and spreading rabies

Stealing candy from a baby

Burning public schools to ashes

Cheating on your income taxes

Lying, stealing, faking, cheating

Smoking weed and double dealing

Letting hardship goad you into hate!

You will live happy ever after

I have a plan, a tremendous plan

To bring peace and love and joy across the land

When I think of all your happy faces rising up on high

It makes me want to order you to start as my new boarders in the happy new world order

My Hotel!

The song concludes. Charlie strikes a pose.

CHARLIE

So, what do you say? Are you with me?

DEMON 1

Forget it! I’m not giving up drugs.

DEMON 2

Yeah! And the high’s so much sweeter when you steal them from babies.

The demons grumble and leave, throwing the pamphlets on the ground.

CHARLIE

Wait! Just hear me out!

Slow claps ring out from an alley.

CHARLIE

Who’s that?

An ominous, cat-shaped shadow approaches her.

CHARLIE

Don’t be shy!

The massive shadow looms over her in a threatening way. But what steps into the light is the Cat Orphan, who is much shorter than Charlie.

CHARLIE

Aww, aren’t you just the cutest thing! Whats a poor baby like you doing on the mean, scary streets? Do you have anywhere to stay?

The Cat Orphan shakes his head no.

CHARLIE

Homeless after the Purge, huh? Perfect! You can come with me back to the Hotel!

She hands him a flyer. The Cat Orphan raises an eyebrow, since the flyer is hand-drawn and questionably legitimate.

CHARLIE

I know it’s a little low-budget, but I swear, it’s not a front for organ trafficking- 

Charlie’s phone rings. Screen splits on call for Lilith, Charlie’s mother, an elegant demon wearing a low-cut evening gown.

LILITH

Oh my sweet baby girl, are you all right?

CHARLIE

Not a good time, mom.

LILITH

I was so worried about you. I kept imagining you all torn to shreds, blood splattering the street. Your last words: “I should never have left the palace” And then your lifeless body devoured by cannibals! Oh, what a cruel and untimely end!

CHARLIE

I can take care of myself, Mom. There’s a purge bunker in the Hotel -

LILITH

Ah, yes, your doomed charity endeavor. How many guests do you have again?

CHARLIE

Uhh, just one. But he’s making great progress!

Lilith laughs.

CHARLIE

Why can’t you just believe in me for once?

LILITH

Because we both know you’re going to fail. This is just like that time you tried to hand out free condoms-

Image of demons making animal balloons out of condoms.

LILITH

Or enforce marriage contracts-

Image of a brothel. The entrance says marriages, the exit says divorces.

LILITH

Or ban vaping.

Censored image of a demon inserting a cigar into their butt.

LILITH

Face it. You’re wasting your time trying to save these worms.

CHARLIE

No I’m not! The citizens of Hell need me! In fact-

Charlie side-hugs the Cat Orphan, whose pupils are pointed in different directions in a derpy way.

CHARLIE

I’ve got another recruit right here. You’re going to come with me to the Hotel, right?

The Cat Orphan shrugs.

CHARLIE

Yes, got another one! In your face, Mom!

Lilith rolls her eyes.

LILITH

How long are you going to keep playing these silly little games? If you really want to shape the future of Hell, come back to the palace and claim your rightful seat besides us.

CHARLIE

No! I’m not doing things your way any longer. I’ll empty out hell, soul by soul, if I have to drag them to Heaven myself.

Charlie hangs up.

CHARLIE

Now, who wants a warm bowl of milk!

HELL’S PALACE

Hell’s palace is a brutalist castle, its towers and turrets cast in concrete. Barbed wire is strung up like Christmas lights.

Lilith and Lucifer-a broad-shouldered goat demon with magnificent horns and a military suit-sit in a magnificent purge bunker. A third, smaller chair is conspicuously empty besides them. On the table is a board game.

LUCIFER

When is our daughter coming back? We need three to play Settlers of Abaddon.

LILITH

Patience, dear. She’s just in her youthful rebellion phase. I’m sure I can convince her of the error of her ways.

LUCIFER

Bah! The only convincing she needs is the destruction of that da-a-amnable (bleats) Hotel!

Lucifer dials Sir Pentious, who is sleeping on a heated pad with his eggs.

LUCIFER

Sir Pentious!

Sir Pentious jerks awake, his hood flaring.

SIR PENTIOUS

Yes, sir!

LUCIFER

Go to my daughter’s hotel and smash it to pieces. Then drag her back to the palace!

SIR PENTIOUS

And then you’ll finally invite me to board game night?

LUCIFER

Sure, whatever.

SIR PENTIOUS

I won’t let you down, boss!

Sir Pentious salutes with his tail.

The phone call ends.

SIR PENTIOUS

Lets get cracking, Egg Bois! Fire up the ship! We’ve got a princess to kidnap!

OUTSIDE HOTEL

Charlie and the Cat Orphan arrive at the Hotel, a crumbling Victorian building with missing shingles and a weed-filled lawn. A sign on the roof announces the “Happy Hotel” with open vacancies.

CHARLIE

This is us! Hell’s first rehabilitation hotel. Sure, it could use a little spit and polish-

A gutter falls off the building, which Charlie kicks away.

CHARLIE

But what matters is on the inside.

Charlie and the Cat Orphan walk into the lobby.

CHARLIE

We’ve got hot water and 108 cable channels. You’re just going to love it here-

Pan to Thoth, tied up and gagged with bondage equipment in a spider web. Angel is just about to bite into Thoth.

CHARLIE

Bad spider!

Charlie hits Angel Dust with her “REPENT” sign until he and Thoth fall out of the web.

CHARLIE

I told you, no eating!

ANGEL DUST

How long are you gonna starve me? I’m wasting away!

Angel emphasizes this with a tug to his corset lacing.

CHARLIE

Drama queen. You can’t die if you’re already dead.

ANGEL DUST

Look, I was all for free rent and a place to hide from the loan sharks. But if I have follow your crazy plans, then I’m out.

CHARLIE

You can’t just walk out on me! You haven’t been redeemed yet!

ANGEL DUST

You don’t even know if I can be redeemed!

Their arguing continues. Meanwhile, the Cat Orphan pokes at Thoth, who is squirming on the ground. Thoth shouts, her words muffled by a gag.

ANGEL DUST

And you shut up!

He kicks her and the gag flies out of her mouth.

THOTH

Look out!

A missile crashes through the window and explodes in the lobby, sending the group flying.

CHARLIE

What-

Charlie looks up and sees an armored dirigible.

CHARLIE

Sir Pentious!

Inside the dirigible cabin, Sir Pentious directs the action. The Egg Bois scramble around him.

SIR PENTIOUS

Keep firing!

Charlie lifts off the ground using flames under her skirt, similar to a rocket ship. She hovers level with the cabin. 

CHARLIE

Have you gone nuts? You’re destroying my Hotel!

SIR PENTIOUS

That’s the plan!

More missiles fly out of the ship. Charlie kicks them away from the hotel.

CHARLIE

Take your stupid turf war somewhere else, unless you want me to tell Dad. You’ll never be able to slither into his good graces!

SIR PENTIOUS

Au contraire! It was your father who asked me to destroy your hotel!

Charlie freezes, a shocked expression on her face.

CHARLIE

Dad wants me to fail?

A missile hits her directly, smashing her into the hotel sign. She crashes to the earth and the hotel sign falls on top of her.

THOTH

Charlie!

Thoth screams as rubble falls towards her. Just before she is crushed, Angel Dust lassos her out of the way using his spider silk.

THOTH

You saved me!

ANGEL DUST

For later!

He goes in for a bite, but is interrupted by more falling rubble.

ANGEL DUST

Can’t a guy grab a bite in peace around here?

Angel Dust, carrying around Thoth, dodges missiles and rubble. The Hotel is falling apart around them.

One piece of rubble falls towards the Cat Orphan. Just before it crushes him, the Cat Orphan side steps the rock. The Cat Orphan frowns, and glares at the ship. A single bolt pops off the dirigible walls. In a Rube-Goldburg-esque series of events, the bolt bounces around inside the ship, causing malfunctions until a spark ignites the remaining missiles. The dirigible explodes. The Cat Orphan bows. Nobody notices.

SIR PENTIOUS

You haven’t seen the last of me!

Sir Pentious shouts as he disappears into the horizon.

The rubble rumbles and Charlie pops out, smudged with dust but uninjured.

THOTH

Charlie! Are you all right?

CHARLIE

Yeah, I guess. And it looks like everyone else is fine too.

Angel Dust inspects all his hands.

ANGEL DUST

Speak for yourself. I chipped a nail!

The Cat Orphan is grooming himself.

CHARLIE

And the Hotel?

Charlie leans against the cracked wall, only for it to immediately fall down.

CHARLIE

First my parents, now this. Maybe I should just go home.

THOTH

But this is your dream. You can’t give up now.

ANGEL DUST

(Chanting) Give up, give up, give up-

Thoth glares.

ANGEL DUST

What? It’s pointless!

THOTH

No it’s not. I know! Angel Dust saved me from getting crushed during the fight. That’s gotta be worth something!

CHARLIE

You’re right. Get out the scales!

Charlie unties Thoth, and they set up the scales again. Charlie’s hope is dashed when Angel Dust’s heart once again sinks down.

CHARLIE

I give up. I’m not an angel, or even a Presbyterian. I’m just a demon. Maybe the best thing I can do is go barbecue Hitler dick.

ANGEL DUST

Speaking of barbecue-

Angel Dust goes to take a bite of Thoth and Charlie is too depressed to stop him. Before he closes his mouth, a fried egg hits him in the face. More fried eggs, the remnants of Sir Pentious’s minions, fall out of the sky.

ANGEL DUST

Room service!

Angel Dust abandons his plan to eat Thoth and scoops the eggs out of the sky. He forms them into a giant breakfast burrito. He is about to bite into it when the Cat Orphan tugs at his side. The Cat Orphan begs for food.

ANGEL DUST

No way! I deserve this.

The Cat Orphan’s eyes and pupils grow impossibly wide. Angel Dust is moved by the cuteness.

ANGEL DUST

Uhrg, fine.

Angel Dust breaks off a piece of the egg burrito and gives it to the Cat Orphan. They both devour the food.

Meanwhile, the Heart Scale rattles. 

THOTH

Look, Angel’s heart!

Angel’s heart tips up slightly.

THOTH

It’s getting lighter? But how? He’s indulging in gluttony this very minute!

Angel’s mouth is completely stuffed with food.

CHARLIE

Aww, look at that kitty with his paw paws in his num nums.

The Cat Orphan eats the burrito in a cute manner.

THOTH

That’s it! Angel Dust finally did a good deed!

CHARLIE

He did? But why didn’t it work earlier?

THOTH

Saving me didn’t count because he was only trying to eat me. But he gave away some of his food without an ulterior motive. That means, redemption isn’t just about what you do-

CHARLIE

But why you do it!

THOTH

And fasting didn’t work because he was just avoiding sins, and not doing good.

CHARLIE

Thoth, you’re a genius! We cracked the code! Okay, new plan. We’ve got to figure out how to get Angel Dust to do good deeds. I’ll make a list!

THOTH

And I’ll check it twice!

Pan out to destroyed Hotel.

CHARLIE

Right after we fix the hotel.

Angel Dust is completely bloated with food.

ANGEL DUST

Can we start in, like, an hour? I need a nap.

CHARLIE

No time to lose! The next Purge is only a year away!

THOTH

I wonder if household repairs count as a good deed? We could game the system by breaking and fixing things over and over again...

The trio walk into the shattered remnants of the hotel. The Cat Orphan lingers behind and looks at the fourth wall.

TITLE CARD

Will our heroes succeed in redeeming Angel Dust? Or will he remain in a hell of his own making? Tune in next time for another episode of

The Cat Orphan snaps and the fallen hotel sign lights up. The sign changes from “Happy Hotel” to “Hazbin Hotel”

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this. I was going for a “The Good Place” meets “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends” vibe. If you like this, let me know and I might be persuaded to add additional character design ideas, episodes, locations, etc. And don't forget to check out the original song I wrote for this story: https://soundcloud.com/user-145265835/i-have-a-plan


End file.
